P.I.W.? What the Hell is that I hear you say. Well let me tell you...
A particular annoyance at gigs are those utter wankers, those utter pricks, those absolute toss bags, that think it is ok to push their way through to the front of a queue to get into a venue. Once in they then proceed to push through the crowds to try to get to the very front, knocking anybody that is in their way. Arseholes…or (P)ush (I)n (W)ankers.
Why is pushing to the front, abhorrent? To begin with, we need to know what reasons make it OK to make your way further forward at a concert. Firstly, if there is room, then I see no reason why you cannot just move up. I have been at a few Stones gigs where I simply wandered to the front of a very big crowd even though I arrived pretty late. Some of the more mature Stones fans like to spread out taking up much more space than they need to. This makes it far easier to get to the front and doesn’t involve pushing of any kind.
There is also nothing wrong with working your way through the crowd when trying to re-join your group. Sometimes it is not always easy to find your way back and you may need to move forward in search of your friends...be warned though, no one will believe you.
So other than a few legitimate reasons why should I let you go in front of me? You really should have got in earlier. Any regular concert goer has had experience of the P.I.W.’s. They come in different guises but usually fall into one of the categories listed below...
A/ The Polite Questioner 1
’Excuse me I’m trying to get to my friends, can I get by?’ This is usually a lie but it is hard to say anything, I mean hey they said ‘Excuse me’
B/ The Polite Questioner 2
‘Excuse me, but as you are tall can I stand in front of you please?’ This may sound reasonable (again, they did say ‘Excuse me’) but it is quite likely another ploy to get closer to the stage. I have been asked this twice at a gig…I said yes on the first occasion (it didn’t really matter as I was nowhere near the front) and no on the second, (I was very near). Why no? Well I’m sorry but we taller people are allowed to get near the front as well. Tough tits as far as I am concerned. Move a bit to the left or right if you have to but you ain’t getting past me
C/ The Drinks Carrier
A cunning tactic this. Carrying a tray of pints which spill a little meaning that people automatically get out of the way so avoiding spillage over their clothes. This in turn opens up a nice little path forward
D/ The Drunken Shover
You can be stood in the crowd quite happily waiting for a band to come on, when all over a sudden you are shoved in the back. You lurch forward as a drunk fuck barges past you smelling of ‘Harp’ beer or urine (hard to tell the difference to be honest). There is no talking to these guys so just let them on through although a stern stare in their direction (when they aren’t looking) is called for
E/ The Group Pushers
This is a concerted effort by groups of three or more people (typically female) who will collectively hold hands and drag each other through a crowd. These people are sometimes drunk but not always, indeed it is often a pre mediated plan put in to action. I do not like these people
F/ The Penis On Display Guy
Another cunning, if pretty disgusting way, of getting to the front. This carried out by male members (excuse the pun) of the crowd who walk forward, with penis hanging out, knowing damn well that people are going to get out of the way
G/ The Farter
It can happen at any social gathering. Either someone lets go of a little excess wind accidentally or they strategically fart to make some room in their stomach for more food and drink. At gigs, this tactic can be used in order to get closer to the stage. A release of excess gas soon moves people away from you…just like Moses parting the Red Sea